Is same-sex dating the same as heterosexual dating? Yes and no.

Anyone who wants a long-term, committed relationship goes through similar challenges. However, as an LGBTQ individual, you have unique needs and concerns. You may face discrimination at home, at school, or at work. The traumatic severity of these experiences varies, but can sometimes impact self-worth and self-esteem. In turn, these can affect your relationships and dating life.

New possibilities

New same-sex marriage laws and a more progressive society have empowered the LGBTQ community to get married, have children, and create families. They’ve also allowed the community to redefine what commitments and families can be.

Despite these steps forward, challenges remain for same-sex couples. Unlike heterosexual relationships, which historically have a well-defined path towards marriage, there are few models out of there for same-sex couples. Whether you want to get married or not, it’s tough to know what to do next without guidance or role models.

The challenges

In many ways, people in the LGBTQ community face the same challenges as their heterosexual counterparts. It takes the same effort to find a suitable partner, build a strong, long-lasting relationship, and improve that relationship over time.

On the other hand, coming out and the reality of oppression impact LGBTQ individuals in specific and concrete ways. This may affect how you look for and find a suitable match.

The rise of the internet and social media

The availability of the Internet and apps have dramatically changed the way people find their romantic partners. Dating sites and apps have replaced bars, restaurants, and other social spaces where same-sex couples would normally meet.

Because finding a partner has become easier, LGBTQ partnership rates have increased dramatically in the last decades. Studies show that more than 60% of same-sex couples meet online and there are more gay and lesbian couples than ever before.

But, online dating has influenced how people make decisions about their relationships. Due to a bombardment of possibilities, people may be less attentive to more suitable partners and more vulnerable to connecting with incompatible partners. This is especially true for those who want a long-term relationship.

Too much choice

Additionally, the illusion of endless possibility and choice may make people more apt to discarding a good relationship if it doesn’t immediately fulfill most of our needs. Why try if there might be something better out there anyways?

Well, this mindset isn’t entirely true. Dating is complicated because we want our partners to be our best friend, fulfill all our sexual fantasies and desires, support our dreams, share our financial burdens, and accept all of our flaws. Yet, the reality is that relationships take effort and consistent repairs. As in any relationship, once the romantic stage gives way to the next stage, conflicts over differences may arise. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth trying.

What does oppression have to do with dating?

As a sexual minority, people in the LGBTQ community are at high risk of stigmatization, discrimination, marginalization, and violence. Sometimes, they suffer at the hands of their own parents, siblings, and other close relatives.

Exposure to oppression can be internalized. This instills shame, self-hatred, and self-deprecating behavior. In turn, it may affect dating behaviors. Some people in the LGBTQ community may have a tendency to repeat patterns of rejection and blaming or stay in an unhealthy relationship for too long.

Coming out

The coming out process can also affect dating. Dating challenges depend on when an individual started the coming out process. The more recently a person came out, the more anxious he/she will be during the dating process.

Issues of being “out” to family, friends, and coworkers are different for each individual. You may be out to some people and not to others. This can contribute to feelings of anxiety, depression, and shame, particularly when dating someone who is in a different stage of the coming out process.

People of color who identify as LGBTQ

If you also identify as a member of an ethnic minority, you may be exposed to multiple layers of oppression. And, studies show that discrimination against ethnic minority gay men and lesbian women can be perpetrated by their own families. Because of cultural values and a fear of shaming their families, many LGBTQ persons of color hide their same-sex dating behaviors and may lead a double life. Dating under these circumstances may be more challenging.

Tips for Successful Same-Sex Dating

Despite the challenges, love can last. With the right attitude and the right tools, you can find a longterm relationship.

• If you’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time, get help from a dating coach or a counselor. You can look for same-sex-specific dating advice online. First dates can produce anxiety, so it helps to do your homework and be prepared.
• Try to date someone who is in a similar coming out stage. The future success of a relationship is more likely if both partners are at or around the same stage. If you are out and your partner is not, you can become frustrated and resentful at your partner because of his/her inability to be open and honest about the relationship. On the other hand, the more closeted member of the pair can feel pressured to come out before he/she is emotionally ready. This can lead to anxiety and resentment too.
• If you are looking for a long-term relationship and not just a hookup, rethink your relationship with social media. Many social media platforms are not love and commitment friendly. Instead, they focus on hookup culture. This can affect how your dates view you.
• Be clear about your monogamy versus nonmonogamy values and communicate them directly. Try to clarify your implicit expectations and make them explicit. Don’t assume that your idea of cheating is the same as that of your partner. Encourage conversations about your sexual preferences and sexual expectations. If you are looking for a long-term, committed relationship, and you are the type of person who wants to be loyal and monogamous, find someone with the same values. A well-trained sex therapist can help host these difficult conversations.
• Don’t move in together too quickly. Sometimes, we make decisions about living together without really deciding. It just happens. Many same-sex and other LGBTQ couples report that they started living together because their lease was up or because they spent a lot of nights together anyway. The decision to live together is an emotional and financial decision. It shouldn’t be made on a whim.
• Seek counseling from a relationship expert if you have had traumatic experiences coming out, if you were exposed to discrimination in your family, school or work, or if you don’t have much support currently. Those experience can damage your self-esteem. You may find yourself repeating the same patterns over and over again in your dating life. To improve your chances for successful same-sex dating, seek counseling to unlock your potential and improve your resilience.

Finally, keep in mind that the things that make LGBTQ relationships work are the same things that make any relationships work: attention to the relationship, a good sex life, kindness, respect, communication, compromise, trust, and safety. Be sure to seek the help of an expert in dating and relationships to get on the right track.

Initiating sex can sometimes feel like an intimidating idea, regardless of whether you’re in a new relationship or are trying to reignite an old flame with a long-time lover.

The fear of your advances being rejected, dismissed or unnoticed is a hard thing to acknowledge, but it’s something worth overcoming. As a sex coach, I’ve come across many clients who dread making that first move. But it doesn’t have to be so difficult. Here are some tips on how to make initiating sex a more fun and playful experience.

Don’t Leave It Up To One Person

Many people still buy into the myth that, in the case of heterosexual relationships, it is more often the male who initiates sex. But regardless of which gender tends to initiate more, if one initiates more than the other, this can be damaging to a relationship.

Believe it or not, initiating sex is often as intimidating for a man as it is for a woman, and it’s incredibly important for the health of your sex life to share the responsibility (and fun!) equally between you and your partner. This makes both parties in the relationship feel attractive and desired by their partner, and also keeps them reassured that their lover enjoys having sex with them.

Learn Your Lover’s Sex Initiation Language

Studies have shown that many people, even those in happy relationships, aren’t happy with the way their partner initiates sex. Just as there are different love languages, there are also different “initiation languages” when it comes to sex. It’s important that you and your partner discuss this and learn what each other’s preferred initiation language is so that you can approach one another in a way that the both people are receptive to.

For example, some prefer to be approached physically, others verbally. Sometimes, being asked directly “Do you want to have sex?” can be a turn on, whilst, at other times it can take the passion and curiosity out of the moment.

Most people are open and receptive to more than one initiation language. A lot of it depends on their mood, and having a conversation about personal preferences and boundaries can help make both planned and spontaneous initiations easier for the both of you.

Expand Your Sex Menu

Sex doesn’t always have to mean intercourse and orgasms. To prevent things from getting boring, it’s good to switch things up every once in a while. Create a sex menu with your partner where you write down what you’re into or would be up for trying.

Make sure you include ways to be intimate that don’t involve intercourse. Activities like a sensual massage, reading an erotic story together, or even something like having a long, hot bath together. Expanding your definition of sexual activities to include other forms of connection and intimacy should help bring you and your lover closer and lead to easier, playful initiations.

It’s OK To Be Turned Down

It’s easy to feel hurt and think you aren’t desirable when your initiations are met with a “no” or indifference. But in reality, you can’t expect your partner to always be in the mood when you are. Libidos fluctuate all the time due to various factors, and it’s important to be able to handle a “no” and a “not now”, without harbouring resentment. Next time you are rejected, let your partner know you’re glad that they’ve been honest with you and that they feel comfortable enough to tell you they’re not in the mood. There’s intimacy in honesty!

You can always build intimacy in the moment through other non-sexual ways, which may mean more to your partner at the time. If you feel it’s been too long since you and your partner enjoyed sex, however, it may be time to seek professional help from a sex coach.

Extend the invitation

Unless explicitly agreed, sexual initiation is best received as an invitation, not a demand. No partner should ever feel pressured or guilted into having sex. Initiating doesn’t have to immediately lead to sex. Consider making initiating sex a much longer experience that could start hours or days before the act of sex actually takes place. This is a great way to build anticipation and sexual desire. Just remember that your partner is not a mind reader – and those “subtle, sexy” clues aren’t always as obvious as you think!

Get Creative

It’s best not overthink the mechanics of initiating sex. Focus instead on the qualities that increase your chances of playing together – enthusiasm and confidence. If you need a little inspiration, here are some ways to bring the fun back into initiating sex.

• Make it a game – There are many games that can help kickstart the mood and make initiating sex more playful. You can buy these games at an adult store or simply improvise with what you have. We’re talking naked Twister, sexy Blind Man’s Buff or Naughty Truth or Dare – the possibilities are endless.
• Send out a “sex signal” – It doesn’t have to be quite as obvious as Batman’s Bat-Signal, but establishing a sign to tell your partner you’re in the mood can make it easier to initiate intimacy – plus it’s always fun to have a secret language only you two can understand.
• Surprise package – Buy a new sex toy, lingerie, game or roleplaying costume then send your lover a picture during the day and ask if they would be interested in trying it out later. Send them a cheeky photo or leave the item on your bed for them to discover.
• Shower sex – Next time your parter is in the shower (and not in a rush!), join them. Lather up their body and see where it goes.
• A tantalising tasting – Try preparing a sexy meal together (try something simple and classic like chocolate-dipped strawberries) and proceed to feed each other in bed.
• Dance it out – put on your favourite tune (or a sultry little number) and invite your partner to dance with you. Try grinding your hips against you partner’s and look deep into their eyes.
• Talk dirty to me – Sexting is a great way to initiate sex with your partner over a longer period and can also be used as a means to find out how your partner’s day is going to see if sex may be on the table. New to flirting over the phone? Here are some tips on how to get started.

You’ve lost that loving feeling. Or you want to try something new in the bedroom but just don’t know how to bring it up. Or you wish you and your partner had more sex, less sex, or better sex. Most people face one or more of these issues at some point, but figuring out how to cope isn’t always easy.

Most of these common problems boil down to one thing: poor communication. “There’s a lot of research showing that couples who have better communication have better sex lives,” says Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist who specializes in sex and relationships. “They’re not afraid to talk about sex, and they’re not afraid to ask for what they want.”

Of course, not everyone is equally comfortable chatting about intimate matters, whether or not a therapist is in the mix. So we asked Sussman and two other sexperts to spill their best advice. Read on for insider tricks and tips and start amping up your sex life tonight.

Give it the old college try.

Not in the mood, but your partner is? Don’t be so quick to shut down any advances. Most women don’t experience spontaneous desire; they need a little help getting there, says Michael Aaron, PhD, a licensed psychotherapist, sexologist, and sex therapist. He explains that many women need to be touched, kissed, and caressed before sexual desire kicks in. So consider saying yes to sex—or at least foreplay—even if you’re not currently raring to go.

That said, you should never feel obligated to finish what you started. “You don’t know in the moment how it’s going to feel,” says sex and relationship therapist Megan Fleming, PhD, a clinical instructor of psychology in psychiatry at Weill Cornell Medical College. It’s never too late to say, “Sorry, not tonight.”

Do your homework.

Sex doesn’t just “happen,” especially if you and your partner are in the midst of an especially long dry spell. About 15% of all relationships are considered sexless, meaning the partners haven’t had sex in 6 months, according to Aaron. His advice? Make intimacy a priority and sex will follow.

If you’re not currently having sex but are still being romantic—going on dates, holding hands, kissing—then it might be as simple as carving out some special time to be alone together. But if you and your partner have essentially become roommates, you’re going to have to work a little harder to bring back sensuality, says Aaron. Plan date nights, start holding hands again, and give each other a kiss good-bye every morning and the romantic (and sexy) feelings might return.

Put sex on the menu.

We don’t just mean scheduling a regular romp, although multiple sex therapists say that’s a good way to keep your sex life alive. But if your goal isn’t just to have sex but to make it more interesting, Aaron suggests making up a list (menu) of everything you want to try and everything that’s completely off-limits, then asking your partner to do the same. You might learn that you’ve both been fantasizing about adding sex toys to the mix or trying anal sex.

Get a sexy brain.

Your libido is like an engine, says Fleming. You need to find ways to turn yourself on, warm up, and get ready to go. But Fleming says she often sees clients who have no idea what gets them going or what turns them off. How to sort it out? She suggests reading erotic fiction, listening to erotic podcasts, or simply allowing yourself time to fantasize. “Think about the last really enjoyable, hot, fun, connected, juicy experience you had with your partner,” she says. “Use all five senses, take it in, and let it be something you can come back to time and time again.”

Bring in a friend.

No, not into the bedroom (unless that’s what everyone really wants, in which case, go for it!). But talking about sex with your friends—or just one trusted friend—can help demystify it. Discussing how much sex you’re having, how much you wish you were having, or how satisfied you are with your sex life could be a little like therapy. A good friend might even be able to help you work out whatever issue is getting in the way of the sex life you crave, Sussman says. Not sure how to get the conversation going? Fleming suggests mentioning an article you’ve read in a magazine or on a website (maybe the story you’re reading right now?). Try: “I read in Prevention…” and see where it takes you.

Take care of yourself first.

We’re not talking about masturbation—although getting a little frisky with yourself certainly isn’t a bad thing. It’s just as important (maybe more so) to get ample sleep, regular exercise, and generally keep stress in check (spa day?). “So many women feel depleted, and then sex starts to feel like work,” says Fleming. Try pampering yourself and you might find you’re feeling more sexy, fun, and playful.

Ask for compliments.

If you and your partner have been together for eons, chances are things have slowed down. Forget staying up all night to get down and dirty; you’re more apt to watch a little bit of Netflix and drift off by 10 p.m. But it’s not just sex that has gotten lost over the years. Chances are the unexpected gifts and compliments have dropped off, too. Getting back to a place where you feel loved and sexy is absolutely essential, Sussman says. “If you can say to your husband or partner, ‘Flirt with me, make me feel attractive,’ well, that’s probably just as good as taking any medication.”

Love yourself.

What’s the No. 1 turn-on for men? If you said “boobs” or “butts,” you’d be wrong. The thing that gets most guys going isn’t a body part, says Sussman. It’s confidence. “If you feel good about how you look, if you like to make love with the lights on, that’s an aphrodisiac for everyone,” she says. Meanwhile, being uncomfortable with your body—whether you think you need to lose a few pounds or that your boobs are too droopy—can easily douse the fires in the bedroom.

Be a detective.

What’s really at the root of your sex issues? Figure that out and you just might solve your problem, says Sussman. Some patients have trouble initiating sex, talking about fantasies, or admitting they’d like to have sex more often because they grew up believing women aren’t supposed to be interested in sex or because a past partner put them down. Other times sex problems aren’t really about sex at all, says Sussman. If you don’t trust each other or aren’t getting along outside the bedroom, you’ll need to work through that before you can expect the sensual side of your relationship to blossom.

While dating can be a fun, carefree experience, it can sometimes feel like a full-time job. If you think of dating more as a job, you might benefit from a dating coach. Unlike matchmakers and dating services, a dating coach focuses on self-development and can help change your outlook and approach to relationships.

In the world of dating, there are few circumstances unique to a single individual. Most people experience anxiety and doubt about their appearance, ability to choose good mates, and relationship skills. If you’re unsure how a dating coach could be helpful, consider whether or not the following signs pertain to you.

You Have Too Little Time

Are you working 60 hours a week, busy running your kids to extracurriculars every weekend, or fumbling with a full calendar because you can’t say ‘no’? If you answered yes to any of these scenarios, you probably don’t have enough time to think about dating let alone actually do it. For many singles in these situations, online dating can seem like the only option. However, a dating coach can function much like a life coach and may be able to help you figure out how to better balance work, home and romance.

Unclear Vision of Your Future

Some people are highly organized and detail-oriented, planning their lives five or even ten years down the road. These types of people have a clear idea of how they hope to see life play out. On the other hand, there are many people who have no clue what they are truly seeking in a romantic relationship. To better determine if your vision of the future is defined or blurry, ask yourself the following questions:

• What are my views on marriage?
• Are children a necessary part of my future?
• Am I open to different kinds of romantic relationships, such as plural love or less traditional gender roles?
• What traits have I enjoyed in past partners?

If you are having trouble answering most of these questions, a dating coach could be your most helpful resource. Dating coaches suggest part of his job is to help singles gain a “greater sense of self-awareness.” Knowing what you are looking for in a romantic relationship can help you better choose who to date, as well as help you know whether a first date should turn into a second.

Your Online Profile Is a Dud

According to the Pew Research Center, approximately 15 percent of adults in the United States have used some form of online dating. One out of every five online daters have enlisted help when it comes to profile creation. While your best friend or your sister may know you well or be the self-proclaimed, ‘Queen of Online Dating,’ she may not be your best resource when it comes to creating your profile.

A dating coach can help you create an online profile that showcases your strengths in a way that reads well to the opposite sex. Not only will your dating coach come to understand your strengths, but he will also know what the opposite sex is likely to respond to.

Shy and Awkward Sum Up Your Social Skills

If you’re an introvert or someone who is prone to anxiety, dating can seem impossible. A dating coach can help you if you have trouble with the following skills:

• Holding a conversation
• Making small talk
• Calming your nerves on a date
• Choosing date activities
• Giving your undivided attention to a new date

Through individualized training, a dating coach can help you pinpoint weaknesses and overcome them. General dating advice may not always pertain to your specific needs whereas a dating coach will work with you to build your confidence and relationship skills.

The Opposite Sex Confuses You

You’ve heard of the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and you can’t help thinking it must be true. If you can’t see why men wait so long to call or forget it’s your three-month first phone call anniversary, a dating coach could be right for you. Men and women do often seem to speak different languages which can present many problems in a relationship. While a dating coach can’t change the way men think, he can help you better understand a man’s thought process.

Your Self-Esteem Could Use a Boost

Whether focused on your internal or external appearance, low self-esteem is a major turnoff for most singles. Low self-esteem can interfere with your dating life by:

• Causing you to feel undesirable
• Make you try to hide your appearance out of shame
• Having the inability to communicate effectively
• Being unwilling to participate in new activities

While you can build confidence by yourself, it may be more helpful to enlist some outside help. The goal of a dating coach is not to find you a husband but to “develop you as a person and make you more attractive.”

You’ve Never Had a Long-Term Relationship

Some people seem to be built for long-term relationships, while others flutter quickly from partner to partner. There are many reasons why people are unable to maintain romantic relationships over long periods:

• Fear of commitment
• Intimacy issues
• Inability to give relationships the time and attention they need
• Choosing incompatible mates
• Trust issues

Whether your “picker” is off or you’ve been hurt too many times before, a dating coach can help identify why your relationships are stuck in the short-term range. Once those obstacles have been determined, the coach can help you work through problem areas.

You’ve Found a Match and Want to Keep Him

Have you found a partner who fits all your relationship needs and desires? Are you worried about your ability to make the relationship last? If you answered “yes” to these questions, a dating coach can help. Much like a counselor, a dating coach focuses on finding your strengths and exploiting them. Whether you need a little boost of confidence or some tips for keeping the romance alive, a dating coach can help you feel secure about your relationship skills in the short-term and long-term stages.

Put Your Best Foot Forward

Dating is all about showing off who you are in small steps. If you have trouble presenting your best self in dating scenarios, a dating coach could help hone your skills.

Whenever I catch reruns of Sex and the City, I’m always a little shocked to realize that I’m the same age as Carrie and her friends. When the show debuted in 1998, I was 17, and it ran for six seasons. Now when I watch it, as a single woman in her 30s, it hits a little closer to home. I identify with the characters and their struggles so much more than I did before. Why? Because dating in your 30s is very different from dating in your 20s. The playing field is narrower; if you want kids, the biological clock is ticking; and as you’re older, you’re naturally carrying around a lot more baggage. The number of single friends is dwindling, so there is also more pressure to be coupled up. If you’ve recently become single or just turned 31 and are beginning to notice how dating has changed, you came to the right place.

Here are 12 tips for dating in your 30s.

Age Is Just a Number

Does age really matter much once you’ve hit 31? Not really. One of my girlfriends is 35 and she just married a 27-year-old. Their relationship works because they are madly in love, and they support each other in the ways that they both need to be supported. Plus, they have a great time together, and neither of them could imagine a world without the other person in it. Age is just a number—it only matters when you make it matter.

Know What You Want

When I was in my mid-20s, I wanted a partner who drove a nice car and who could afford to take me to a fancy restaurant. Although I still think these things are great, now that I’m in my 30s, I know that I want more in an S.O. In fact, I know exactly what I want in a life partner. I have a nervous personality, so I need someone who can tell me to relax. I’m very social and I love entertaining, so I need someone who can hold their own and have a conversation without me around. I enjoy learning new things, so I want a partner who is willing to teach me stuff.

If you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner, I suggest you figure it out soon. Sit down with a pad and pen, and write down the names of the last couple of people you’ve dated. Next to each name, list the top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t like about them. Set the list aside and come back a few days later. Read it carefully and you’ll probably notice that there are repetitive descriptors on the list. The top qualities that you liked about these people are what you should look for in your next relationship.

Let Go of the Past

Everyone who is single in their 30s has dealt with their own form of heartbreak—be it ghosting, cheating, or death. But it’s time to leave the past in the past. The third date is not a good time to discuss how your ex cheated on you for three years and you didn’t realize it until a scandalous photo was sent to you from an anonymous email account. Let it go! We all have skeletons in our closets. This doesn’t mean you have to pull one out and wear it. Yes, your past has shaped who you are, but it’s your past—not your present or future. Instead, focus on what is happening now and look where you are going next.

Let Your Guard Down

When you’ve been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships, a natural defense mechanism is to put your guard up. If you don’t let anyone in, then you won’t get hurt, right? However, if you don’t let anyone in, you probably won’t end up finding the one. When the time is right and you’ve met someone you’re into who is also into you, let your guard down. Be vulnerable. If this makes you feel anxious, tell yourself everything will be okay.

Don’t Be Jaded or Bitter

When you’re in your 30s, it’s much easier to become jaded and bitter; so many relationships have not worked out that you can start to think it’s never going to happen. But it’s important not to let this negative thinking get the best of you. If you think it’s never going to happen, then it won’t; you have to be positive.

When you meet someone new, give them a chance. You don’t know how things will end up with this person.

Focus on Having Fun

When you’re in your 30s, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about the things you don’t have yet. You haven’t met the one, you’re not married, you don’t live in a beautiful house, and you don’t have kids. Wanting all of these things is okay, but grilling every person you date to see if they have what it takes to fulfill your expectations is not. Focus on having fun and getting to know the person. What’s the point of being in a relationship at any age if you’re not having fun? It shouldn’t be a job and it shouldn’t be depressing. A relationship should be filled with joy, laughter, and love—whether you’re 22 or 46.

Dump Your Divorce Bias

The divorce rate in America is somewhere between 42% and 50%, so when you’re in your 30s, you are going to date people who are divorced. When it comes to discussing their marriage, don’t pry. If they want to talk about what happened, they will when the time is right.

Communication Is Key

Good communication is crucial to any relationship. When you’re dating in your 30s, you should be able to talk to the person openly and honestly. Likewise, they should be able to talk to you openly and honestly. Got into your first fight? Talk it out maturely. If you’re not communicating early on in the relationship, you probably won’t get better at it as things move forward.

Don’t Waste Your Time

Don’t waste your time. If you’re not into someone, stop talking to them, stop texting them, and stop hanging out with them. Life is too short. Wouldn’t you much rather get a good night of sleep than be out drinking empty calories with a person you’re just not that into?

Trust Your Gut

If you have a gut instinct about someone, trust it. Listen to your intuition. If something is telling you they’re not right, they’re probably not.

You Do You

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not and just be yourself. Own who you are. Confidence is attractive. You do you.

Don’t Settle, but Stop Seeking Perfection

Nobody should settle for a partner who they are only sort of into. The relationship won’t be healthy, nor will it last. However, nobody should be waiting around for a royal on a white horse to show up either. You aren’t perfect, so stop seeking perfection in a partner. Be ready to compromise.

Help Get Her In The Mood With These Expert Tips

What (really) turns women on?

The answer to that question has been the subject of countless books and articles offering strategies and seduction techniques on how to bed a woman — and keep her coming back for more.

However, I am going to let you in on a little secret.

It’s this: There is no secret.

The truth is, it’s pretty simple. If you want a woman to crave sex with you, you just need become an amazing lover.

In fact, once you know how to satisfy a woman sexually, you’ll probably have more of a problem getting her to not want to sleep with you. Women love incredible sex just as much as men do. Yet many men don’t know how to really pleasure a woman sexually. And plain old boring sex — as opposed to mind-blowing sex — just isn’t very enticing to us.

Of course, you should respect the fact that some women may just not want to have sex with you — ever. But sexual dysfunction and psychological issues notwithstanding, if a woman is less than enthusiastic about having sex with you more than once, there is a good chance that your bedroom skills could use a little fine-tuning.

One reason why? Basic anatomy.

You might not realize it, but only about 25% of women achieve orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Yes, you read that right: only a quarter of women. And this stat doesn’t stem from just a study or two. It is based on research spanning more than 80 years and an extensive analysis of 33 studies, documented in Elisabeth Lloyd’s book, The Case of the Female Orgasm. And that 25% doesn’t fluctuate based on the length of intercourse or the size or shape of a man’s penis.

The numbers don’t lie: It is not a man’s stamina — or size — that makes him a great lover. So, guys, it’s time to stop worrying about the size of your package — and start focusing on the most important factor in great sex: the woman.

If you want to become the man that women are trying to get into bed, I’m going to tell you how. Many of the tips in this article come from my good friend, Seattle-based board-certified sex therapist Dr. Diana Wiley. It can take a little bit of time and patience, but the payoff will be so worth it. So let’s get started.

1. Pay Attention
First things first: Desire starts in the mind. There’s a reason women buy romance novels by the millions. We love the dream of a white knight who will sweep us off our feet in a whirlwind of romance. The thrill of getting a man’s complete and undivided attention is a huge turn-on for most women. So pay attention to us — in and out of the bedroom. Look us in the eyes and really listen when we share our thoughts, feelings, desires, or just tell you about our day.

2. Take Your Time
There’s no need for gimmicky aphrodisiacs. In fact, when touched, our bodies release their very own cuddle chemical: a hormone called oxytocin that fosters feelings of love, comfort, and relaxation. And that means that the more we’re touched, the more we want to be touched.

That doesn’t mean you should just jump into things, though. Remember: Women take longer than men do to warm up. Sex, for us, begins long before the clothes come off. We don’t want you to feel bad about rushing sex, so we might not admit that it wasn’t so great for us. Truth is, we’d rather be reading a good book. When a guy slows down and focuses on what’s happening, it doesn’t just make for better sex — it’s more intimate and creates a stronger bond. So caress, fondle, stroke, and embrace us to get that oxytocin flowing.

3. Go Down On Her
Remember those 25% of women who can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone? With odds like that, it’s quite possible that your partner isn’t one of them. The good news? Oral sex — when performed skillfully — can be a surefire route to ecstasy for lots of us. Notice I said “skillfully”. There’s an art and a science to cunnilingus, so make sure you’re qualified in both.

First, the science. A woman’s clitoris has about 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings – and its only purpose is pleasure! Only about a quarter of the clitoris is visible outside the body. There is an internal female erectile network, all comprised of erectile tissue. The clitoral shaft has “legs” that extend and under the outer labia are two big wads of engorgable erogenous tissue called the paired vestibular bulbs. All of this means that a woman’s body is primed for pleasure — if you know what you’re doing.

That’s where the art comes in. Dr. Wiley recommends starting out by placing one pillow under your partner’s hips and another under your chest. Her lower back will be more relaxed, and it’ll be easier for her to adjust her knees and legs, allowing for more sensation. Next, spread her vaginal lips using your fingertips to expose her clitoris. Explore the sensitive folds of skin. When she arches her back or moans, slide a finger or two inside her (here you can use a small amount of lube, if necessary).

Play with her a bit; then extend your tongue to meet her clitoris — darting it in and out. Press firmly. Lick gently. Throw in some longer, flatter strokes over the length of her vulva, as if you were licking an ice cream cone. Blow lightly across the focus of your attention. Tell her how good she tastes, how much you like licking her. Draw her clitoris gently between your lips and flick it or massage it with your tongue. Rest your chin on your fist, with your pinkie down, and use a finger to put pressure on the bottom of the opening of her vagina to heighten the sensation. Stop. Lick. Kiss. Finger. Repeat. What you’re after is a combination of rhythm and intrigue: She can’t guess what’s, um, coming next — but once it does, she won’t want you to stop!

4. Get To Know Her G-Spot
The G-spot is a dime-sized area of ultra-sensitive erectile-like tissue about two-thirds up a woman’s front vaginal wall that can trigger powerful orgasms when stimulated. The G-spot can be difficult for men (and women) to find, especially when she’s not turned on. But when this erogenous zone is aroused, it hardens, gets rougher, and doubles in size, making it easier to locate.

You can stimulate her G-spot by inserting a lubricated finger or two and gently stroking it or with your penis during rear-entry intercourse. Another good position is to get her on top of you and have her lean back slightly, sliding up and down with slow, steady strokes. Or slide your fingers inside her during oral sex to stimulate both her G-spot and clitoris for a mind-blowing orgasm.

5. Sync Up
A skilled lover plugs into a woman’s breath and her pelvic thrusts to follow her lead. Listen to her vocalizations because there may be a pattern — and you can match your movements to that rhythm. Rather than the old in-and-out, try rotating your hips: It’ll make for a different kind of clitoral stimulation, and the absence of thrusting will help you last longer.

6. Try Some Toys
Sex toys are fun! They add excitement and variety, expanding your sexual repertoire. Plus, they can be great erotic tools that help get her orgasm while taking some of the pressure off your own performance. Use a vibrator to stimulate her, or hold, caress, and watch her as she uses it on herself. Relax, keep your sense of humor, and enjoy the results. Don’t try to do it perfectly, just do it! Remember, erotic toys are a way for grown-ups to play. Using props adds extra zing to sex, and also deepens the sense of trust and intimacy between lovers.

7. Add Some Spice
The key to an exciting sex life is novelty: We all crave new and different experiences. Start small if she’s skittish. Take sex out of the bedroom and start foreplay someplace new, whether that’s your kitchen or your car (don’t get caught!). Be spontaneous and try a quickie. Talk about your fantasies. If you’re worried about rejection, try making it into a game: Divide 10 index cards between the two of you and each write down five sexual fantasies. Put them into three piles: “yes,” “maybe someday,” and “not on your life.” Save the possibilities and choose one to try once a month or so.

8. Make It A Habit
“Female sexual desire is especially connected to being relaxed and having fun,” explains Dr. Wiley. “As a therapist, I favor action, not introspection. Identify what you want your relationship to look like, then list the actions you can take to get there, such as having dinner out once a week, sex on the calendar, or playing tennis or golf together.” Putting sex on your calendar like any other appointment might seem anything but erotic. Yet it often works because, especially for women, desire doesn’t always come before arousal. In other words, she may heat up once things get started. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. If her libido doesn’t match yours — or vice versa — seeing a qualified sex therapist can benefit you both.