Jaction Scripters

Regarding Rule #1 to Avoid Becoming a Male Asshat, I believe it was Rod Tidwell who said it best during a post-game bro-chat with Jerry Maguire.

“A real man does not shoplift the ‘pooty’ from a single mom.”

To which Jerry hemmed and hawed like a burgeoning asshat, “I didn’t ‘shoplift the pooty.’ We were thrown together and — I mean it’s two mutual people who … all right, I shoplifted the pooty.”

Did Rod Tidwell back down after Maguire came clean? Hell to the no! No, he didn’t. He responded with a righteous, “Shame on you. SHAME on you, Jerry Maguire!”

Well, I’m a woman, not a fellow man in the dating war theater, down in the trenches under heavy artillery fire with my penis-packing compadres.

And sometimes women are considered man-hating harridans when they scold men for asshattery.

But it’s a chance I’ll have to take!

Because I’m coining Rule #2 to Avoid Becoming a Male Asshat.

Gentlemen, when a women is over the age of 30 and wants to get married and have children and you don’t…

Do Not Age the Egg!
I repeat, do not age the egg!

When I was in my 30s I thought I’d be able to get pregnant until I was 46. Susan Sarandon did it, after all, so certainly it would be no problem por moi.

Imagine my surprise when medical professionals took it upon themselves to finally inform the female public that getting pregnant after 35 is a bitch.

Not only that, it’s at the age of 30 that a woman’s fertility starts to noticeably drop!

This was incredibly stressful news for me, as I’d been dating a man for three years who wasn’t quite ready to be married, but did want to have children someday and it would likely be with me if I would just quit putting so much pressure on him and wait.

I waited two more years. Checking in every so often.

Yes, he still wanted to get married and have children and I really should wait for him. Because if I left him now, (he said) at age 31, who knows how long it would take me to meet someone else?

And who knows how long it would take that someone else to be ready to get married and have kids?

Maybe they would never be ready to get married and have kids when, if I’d just waited for him a little bit longer, I wouldn’t miss the baby train.

I was 33 years old when he decided to move out.

He’d finally had enough, after five years, of my wheedling, implying, hinting, nagging, threatening, cajoling, bribing — oh my darlings the list does go on — in an attempt to get him to marry me and impregnate me with his children.

Had I had any self-esteem I would’ve left years earlier.

Sadly, I didn’t have that much self-esteem. I was eager to believe what I heard, rather than what I saw.

The self-esteem came after he left and I was able to pick myself up by the bootstraps (with a wonderful therapist’s and 12-step sponsor’s help) and move on with my life.

So gentlemen, if you don’t want to get married and have kids. And if you’re dating a woman over 30 who does want that, but doesn’t have enough self-esteem to quit you and walk away, be the bigger man. Set her free.

Here are a few analogies that could serve as visual aids:

Like a child who thought he hooked a trout, but actually caught a whale shark, cut bait.
Like a customer who ordered cheesecake, but got a main dish, send it back to the kitchen.
Like a gardener who wanted a leaf blower but got a fire hose, return it to the hardware store.
Like a first-grade teacher who ordered Dora The Explorer, but received The Sound And The Fury, exchange it through Amazon.
Like a groom who asked for a stripper for the bachelor party, but got a Nobel Laureate, yell at your best man Tad.
Okay, perhaps I’m being a bit of a judgy harridan. The truth is, it’s perfectly okay not to want to get married and not to want to have kids.

Why should you want to do it just because she wants to do it? It doesn’t mean you’re a lesser person. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you! It just means you don’t want that.

And while you may want her, really really want her, you also have to want what she wants.
And if you don’t, you’ve got to be honest with her. Don’t string her along. Don’t try to convince her (or yourself) that you may want what she wants someday.

Because then you’re “shoplifting the pooty.” Worse yet, you’re “aging the egg.”

If this were an open letter to women I’d advise them to own what they want and walk away. But this is an open letter to men. I’ll write the one to women at a later date.

It may even be that you do want to get married someday and have children. But is it with this woman who wants it now?

If you don’t know or are not sure and she’s got that ticking biological clock, let her go.

She may come back to you someday. You may go look for her too. But be honest and truthful in the now.

It’s the selfless thing to do. It’s the brave thing to do. It’s the right thing to do. And when you do the selfless, brave, right things you reap the reward of respecting yourself in the morning.

And while you’ll miss the warm space she provided in your bed, you’ll feel worthy of so much more than a placeholder until the right lady, or, in the words of Rod Tidwell, until the “kwan” comes along.

Whenever I catch reruns of Sex and the City, I’m always a little shocked to realize that I’m the same age as Carrie and her friends. When the show debuted in 1998, I was 17, and it ran for six seasons. Now when I watch it, as a single woman in her 30s, it hits a little closer to home. I identify with the characters and their struggles so much more than I did before. Why? Because dating in your 30s is very different from dating in your 20s. The playing field is narrower; if you want kids, the biological clock is ticking; and as you’re older, you’re naturally carrying around a lot more baggage. The number of single friends is dwindling, so there is also more pressure to be coupled up. If you’ve recently become single or just turned 31 and are beginning to notice how dating has changed, you came to the right place.

Here are 12 tips for dating in your 30s.

Age Is Just a Number

Does age really matter much once you’ve hit 31? Not really. One of my girlfriends is 35 and she just married a 27-year-old. Their relationship works because they are madly in love, and they support each other in the ways that they both need to be supported. Plus, they have a great time together, and neither of them could imagine a world without the other person in it. Age is just a number—it only matters when you make it matter.

Know What You Want

When I was in my mid-20s, I wanted a partner who drove a nice car and who could afford to take me to a fancy restaurant. Although I still think these things are great, now that I’m in my 30s, I know that I want more in an S.O. In fact, I know exactly what I want in a life partner. I have a nervous personality, so I need someone who can tell me to relax. I’m very social and I love entertaining, so I need someone who can hold their own and have a conversation without me around. I enjoy learning new things, so I want a partner who is willing to teach me stuff.

If you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner, I suggest you figure it out soon. Sit down with a pad and pen, and write down the names of the last couple of people you’ve dated. Next to each name, list the top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t like about them. Set the list aside and come back a few days later. Read it carefully and you’ll probably notice that there are repetitive descriptors on the list. The top qualities that you liked about these people are what you should look for in your next relationship.

Let Go of the Past

Everyone who is single in their 30s has dealt with their own form of heartbreak—be it ghosting, cheating, or death. But it’s time to leave the past in the past. The third date is not a good time to discuss how your ex cheated on you for three years and you didn’t realize it until a scandalous photo was sent to you from an anonymous email account. Let it go! We all have skeletons in our closets. This doesn’t mean you have to pull one out and wear it. Yes, your past has shaped who you are, but it’s your past—not your present or future. Instead, focus on what is happening now and look where you are going next.

Let Your Guard Down

When you’ve been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships, a natural defense mechanism is to put your guard up. If you don’t let anyone in, then you won’t get hurt, right? However, if you don’t let anyone in, you probably won’t end up finding the one. When the time is right and you’ve met someone you’re into who is also into you, let your guard down. Be vulnerable. If this makes you feel anxious, tell yourself everything will be okay.

Don’t Be Jaded or Bitter

When you’re in your 30s, it’s much easier to become jaded and bitter; so many relationships have not worked out that you can start to think it’s never going to happen. But it’s important not to let this negative thinking get the best of you. If you think it’s never going to happen, then it won’t; you have to be positive.

When you meet someone new, give them a chance. You don’t know how things will end up with this person.

Focus on Having Fun

When you’re in your 30s, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about the things you don’t have yet. You haven’t met the one, you’re not married, you don’t live in a beautiful house, and you don’t have kids. Wanting all of these things is okay, but grilling every person you date to see if they have what it takes to fulfill your expectations is not. Focus on having fun and getting to know the person. What’s the point of being in a relationship at any age if you’re not having fun? It shouldn’t be a job and it shouldn’t be depressing. A relationship should be filled with joy, laughter, and love—whether you’re 22 or 46.

Dump Your Divorce Bias

The divorce rate in America is somewhere between 42% and 50%, so when you’re in your 30s, you are going to date people who are divorced. When it comes to discussing their marriage, don’t pry. If they want to talk about what happened, they will when the time is right.

Communication Is Key

Good communication is crucial to any relationship. When you’re dating in your 30s, you should be able to talk to the person openly and honestly. Likewise, they should be able to talk to you openly and honestly. Got into your first fight? Talk it out maturely. If you’re not communicating early on in the relationship, you probably won’t get better at it as things move forward.

Don’t Waste Your Time

Don’t waste your time. If you’re not into someone, stop talking to them, stop texting them, and stop hanging out with them. Life is too short. Wouldn’t you much rather get a good night of sleep than be out drinking empty calories with a person you’re just not that into?

Trust Your Gut

If you have a gut instinct about someone, trust it. Listen to your intuition. If something is telling you they’re not right, they’re probably not.

You Do You

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not and just be yourself. Own who you are. Confidence is attractive. You do you.

Don’t Settle, but Stop Seeking Perfection

Nobody should settle for a partner who they are only sort of into. The relationship won’t be healthy, nor will it last. However, nobody should be waiting around for a royal on a white horse to show up either. You aren’t perfect, so stop seeking perfection in a partner. Be ready to compromise.

Help Get Her In The Mood With These Expert Tips

What (really) turns women on?

The answer to that question has been the subject of countless books and articles offering strategies and seduction techniques on how to bed a woman — and keep her coming back for more.

However, I am going to let you in on a little secret.

It’s this: There is no secret.

The truth is, it’s pretty simple. If you want a woman to crave sex with you, you just need become an amazing lover.

In fact, once you know how to satisfy a woman sexually, you’ll probably have more of a problem getting her to not want to sleep with you. Women love incredible sex just as much as men do. Yet many men don’t know how to really pleasure a woman sexually. And plain old boring sex — as opposed to mind-blowing sex — just isn’t very enticing to us.

Of course, you should respect the fact that some women may just not want to have sex with you — ever. But sexual dysfunction and psychological issues notwithstanding, if a woman is less than enthusiastic about having sex with you more than once, there is a good chance that your bedroom skills could use a little fine-tuning.

One reason why? Basic anatomy.

You might not realize it, but only about 25% of women achieve orgasm from vaginal intercourse alone. Yes, you read that right: only a quarter of women. And this stat doesn’t stem from just a study or two. It is based on research spanning more than 80 years and an extensive analysis of 33 studies, documented in Elisabeth Lloyd’s book, The Case of the Female Orgasm. And that 25% doesn’t fluctuate based on the length of intercourse or the size or shape of a man’s penis.

The numbers don’t lie: It is not a man’s stamina — or size — that makes him a great lover. So, guys, it’s time to stop worrying about the size of your package — and start focusing on the most important factor in great sex: the woman.

If you want to become the man that women are trying to get into bed, I’m going to tell you how. Many of the tips in this article come from my good friend, Seattle-based board-certified sex therapist Dr. Diana Wiley. It can take a little bit of time and patience, but the payoff will be so worth it. So let’s get started.

1. Pay Attention
First things first: Desire starts in the mind. There’s a reason women buy romance novels by the millions. We love the dream of a white knight who will sweep us off our feet in a whirlwind of romance. The thrill of getting a man’s complete and undivided attention is a huge turn-on for most women. So pay attention to us — in and out of the bedroom. Look us in the eyes and really listen when we share our thoughts, feelings, desires, or just tell you about our day.

2. Take Your Time
There’s no need for gimmicky aphrodisiacs. In fact, when touched, our bodies release their very own cuddle chemical: a hormone called oxytocin that fosters feelings of love, comfort, and relaxation. And that means that the more we’re touched, the more we want to be touched.

That doesn’t mean you should just jump into things, though. Remember: Women take longer than men do to warm up. Sex, for us, begins long before the clothes come off. We don’t want you to feel bad about rushing sex, so we might not admit that it wasn’t so great for us. Truth is, we’d rather be reading a good book. When a guy slows down and focuses on what’s happening, it doesn’t just make for better sex — it’s more intimate and creates a stronger bond. So caress, fondle, stroke, and embrace us to get that oxytocin flowing.

3. Go Down On Her
Remember those 25% of women who can achieve orgasm through intercourse alone? With odds like that, it’s quite possible that your partner isn’t one of them. The good news? Oral sex — when performed skillfully — can be a surefire route to ecstasy for lots of us. Notice I said “skillfully”. There’s an art and a science to cunnilingus, so make sure you’re qualified in both.

First, the science. A woman’s clitoris has about 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings – and its only purpose is pleasure! Only about a quarter of the clitoris is visible outside the body. There is an internal female erectile network, all comprised of erectile tissue. The clitoral shaft has “legs” that extend and under the outer labia are two big wads of engorgable erogenous tissue called the paired vestibular bulbs. All of this means that a woman’s body is primed for pleasure — if you know what you’re doing.

That’s where the art comes in. Dr. Wiley recommends starting out by placing one pillow under your partner’s hips and another under your chest. Her lower back will be more relaxed, and it’ll be easier for her to adjust her knees and legs, allowing for more sensation. Next, spread her vaginal lips using your fingertips to expose her clitoris. Explore the sensitive folds of skin. When she arches her back or moans, slide a finger or two inside her (here you can use a small amount of lube, if necessary).

Play with her a bit; then extend your tongue to meet her clitoris — darting it in and out. Press firmly. Lick gently. Throw in some longer, flatter strokes over the length of her vulva, as if you were licking an ice cream cone. Blow lightly across the focus of your attention. Tell her how good she tastes, how much you like licking her. Draw her clitoris gently between your lips and flick it or massage it with your tongue. Rest your chin on your fist, with your pinkie down, and use a finger to put pressure on the bottom of the opening of her vagina to heighten the sensation. Stop. Lick. Kiss. Finger. Repeat. What you’re after is a combination of rhythm and intrigue: She can’t guess what’s, um, coming next — but once it does, she won’t want you to stop!

4. Get To Know Her G-Spot
The G-spot is a dime-sized area of ultra-sensitive erectile-like tissue about two-thirds up a woman’s front vaginal wall that can trigger powerful orgasms when stimulated. The G-spot can be difficult for men (and women) to find, especially when she’s not turned on. But when this erogenous zone is aroused, it hardens, gets rougher, and doubles in size, making it easier to locate.

You can stimulate her G-spot by inserting a lubricated finger or two and gently stroking it or with your penis during rear-entry intercourse. Another good position is to get her on top of you and have her lean back slightly, sliding up and down with slow, steady strokes. Or slide your fingers inside her during oral sex to stimulate both her G-spot and clitoris for a mind-blowing orgasm.

5. Sync Up
A skilled lover plugs into a woman’s breath and her pelvic thrusts to follow her lead. Listen to her vocalizations because there may be a pattern — and you can match your movements to that rhythm. Rather than the old in-and-out, try rotating your hips: It’ll make for a different kind of clitoral stimulation, and the absence of thrusting will help you last longer.

6. Try Some Toys
Sex toys are fun! They add excitement and variety, expanding your sexual repertoire. Plus, they can be great erotic tools that help get her orgasm while taking some of the pressure off your own performance. Use a vibrator to stimulate her, or hold, caress, and watch her as she uses it on herself. Relax, keep your sense of humor, and enjoy the results. Don’t try to do it perfectly, just do it! Remember, erotic toys are a way for grown-ups to play. Using props adds extra zing to sex, and also deepens the sense of trust and intimacy between lovers.

7. Add Some Spice
The key to an exciting sex life is novelty: We all crave new and different experiences. Start small if she’s skittish. Take sex out of the bedroom and start foreplay someplace new, whether that’s your kitchen or your car (don’t get caught!). Be spontaneous and try a quickie. Talk about your fantasies. If you’re worried about rejection, try making it into a game: Divide 10 index cards between the two of you and each write down five sexual fantasies. Put them into three piles: “yes,” “maybe someday,” and “not on your life.” Save the possibilities and choose one to try once a month or so.

8. Make It A Habit
“Female sexual desire is especially connected to being relaxed and having fun,” explains Dr. Wiley. “As a therapist, I favor action, not introspection. Identify what you want your relationship to look like, then list the actions you can take to get there, such as having dinner out once a week, sex on the calendar, or playing tennis or golf together.” Putting sex on your calendar like any other appointment might seem anything but erotic. Yet it often works because, especially for women, desire doesn’t always come before arousal. In other words, she may heat up once things get started. And don’t be afraid to ask for help. If her libido doesn’t match yours — or vice versa — seeing a qualified sex therapist can benefit you both.